My Funk and my honest thoughts on how I've been feeling lately

I've been in a bit of a funk lately. Not because life is that way, but because I've been throwing a pity party for 1. Everyone is thrown something in life. My "something" just so happens to affect me daily. I struggle with my body. Not my weight or image, though I do need to get my booty into better shape, but with how it works. Particularly the lovely woman parts. I've mentioned our struggle with infertility in several posts, endometriosis and PCOS too. It's been a battle that started 15 years ago but was really only addressed and treated  surgically in 2008 followed by monthly injections, when my symptoms were the worst yet. I've been on the pill out of necessity, not choice, since high school. When we started trying to start our family it was liberating not to have to take that annoying little pill everyday. Until I realized my body needed it to be "normal". Then came the hormone drugs and monthly blood tests, a process that nearly did me in emotionally and physically. We were finally blessed with the most beautiful boy !! Of course, my stupid body didn't want to give me a break and we had a pretty traumatic "birth day". Something that still hits a sensitive spot to this day. Yes, we have a baby and yes, he was healthy and truly that is what matters, but I'm just being real with how I've been feeling lately. 

I can truly say that the 10 months I nursed C {minus the 2-4 weeks recovery and dealing with the baby blues and some times were I wasn't producing quite as much as he needed} were the most alive, refreshing, normal days I've felt in my own skin in probably years. 

I felt more rested, even with middle of the night feelings. Now I'm in a constant state of tired these past few months, my emotions and hormones seem {in my head} unbalanced and I feel like I'm back to how my body used to be pre-pregnancy and I hate it. Truly. I hate that the moment I had C I had to jump back on the pill. And that I switched to a typical BC pill after nursing, and it still can't get my female act together. In a way I feel like the old "lauren" is back and I do worry that when the time comes to start trying for number 2, history will repeat itself. I mentioned to the hubs and to my mom that I feel like "it's" growing back. I can just tell my body is off again and I have a feeling the big E is creeping it's way back into my life.  Yes, we will cross that bridge when the time comes and I'm truly enjoying this stage in our lives with a fun, full of life toddler. I just wish that I felt physically and emotionally like how I did for those short 10 months. I told the hubs just yesterday that I wanted a internal makeover. Not a boob job or a nose job. I just want new "working" parts. Seriously, someone should open a practice specializing in that! I know quite a few girls that might join me in line!

So this is my something. It may not seem like a big deal to a lot of people. But it's a cruddy card I've been dealt and I'm in constant conversation with God on it. It's a tool He's using to strengthen my faith and at the same time, an easy target for satan to try and destroy my spirit. It's easy for me to fall into this pity party for 1, but after a day or so I'm picked back up. I try to use this card  in my daily life to bring Him glory, show empathy, to be more compassionate towards others and even use it to help me be the best mother I can be. 

While I try to not get down or frustrated with this "me", I'm human and the bad days happen. It's happened more than I'd like to admit the last couple months, but I pray I continue to grow and learn from it. I also pray that I would feel normal again one day. I hope that day comes and stays, but if not, I will do my best to deal with it. 

I'm thankful for a husband, family and friends that support and encourage me on my good days and on the not so great ones. 

this time last year...

A big reason I write this little blog is so I can go back and see what we were up to. Last Summer was a rough one for us.

This time last year I was really struggling and wondering if we would ever have a baby. It had been a year since we started trying and I was on my final round of clomid. Looking back on our journey I had basically given up on the drug and was just taking it this one last time because we needed to take a break and figure out what we could afford to do and when we would be able to move forward with more extensive treatments, so why the heck not. Considering I had barely ovulated on the first dose then the next 5 times I didn't, I was pretty positive I was pumping this crummy pill in my body for no good reason that would lead to disappointment when I had my nest round of blood work done.

This time last year the Lord was really working in my heart. He was telling me not to fear, that He was MY hope, but I had a hard time listening. It was hard to trust in that when I so badly wanted to create my own plans and do things my way.

Before I started my last round of Provera/Clomid I had a doctor appointment for a glucose test to see if I needed some additional help. During my 2 hour wait between blood tests I was reading A Praying Life in the lobby. I wrote about it in THIS post but will repost what I read that was a big reminder.

But Jesus is all about hope. Watch what he says before he helps these people. Before he heals a blind man, he tells his disciples that "this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." (John 9:3). Before he raises the widow of Nain's son, he tells her "weep not" (Luke 7:13)...When Jairus told Jesus that his daughter is dead, Jesus says, "Do not fear; only believe"(Luke 13:12). In each of these accounts, Jesus brings hope before he heals. He is not a healing machine- he touches people's hearts, healing their souls before he heals their bodies

He was preparing my heart.

That final round of Clomid was my final journey through infertility. I didn't know it until 2 weeks later, but he healed my heart and my body.

As I sit here watching my baby boy sleep, floods of emotion come over me. Not a day goes by that I don't thank Him for this miracle babe. I have a few friends that are still wading thru the swamp, trying to pick their feet up to get thru the next day. It's hard. It's lonely. It hurts. They are clinging to His promises and I will continue to do my best to encourage them through it.

If you have any one in your life that is struggling with infertility, say a prayer for them. Send them a quick message and let them know you are thinking of them and that we are praying from them. It helps more than you could ever know!

BELIEVE IN MIRACLES!!

What we are MOST thankful for this year...

We have many things to be thankful for this year, but what we are most thankful for this year is that after a hard year, but trusting in God and His perfect timing, faith and prayer we are excited to announce that we've been blessed with a miracle of our own this fall!!!

Baby Neaves will be here June 13, 2012!!!

7wks1day

8 weeks 5 days

While we are so excited to become parents, we know what a struggle it's been over the past year to get here. So friends who are still going down that frustrating road of infertility, please know that we are continuing to pray for you, but I hope our story can be one of Hope. Cling to His word and know that in his timing "...it will not be late. Not by a single day." Hab 2:3. I know that's easier said than done. I've felt like nothing would ever work at times, but even with my doubts I reminded myself that His plan is far better than anything I could come up with on my own. However it were to turn out.


We found out on October 4th, the morning of our 14 year dating anniversary. So what was already a significant day in our lives turned into one of the best we could have hoped for! I took one test that morning and woke hubs up crying and handed him the stick and told him happy anniversary, daddy! I called my doctor that day and she had me go in for a blood test to confirm since it was so early. It came back positive and they sent me for another one the day after the results came back to make sure things were progressing. I was so happy for them to schedule us for a sono at 7 weeks, knowing that most won't see their doc until 8-10 weeks. The second we heard that tiny little peas heartbeat I completely lost it. We're talking can't get a noise out because I'm crying so hard moment.


We actually had our first official OB appointment this morning. I went in last week after a little scare, but all was normal and we got to see/ hear the little heartbeat again. PTL! So this mornings visit we did not have a sono, but my doctor was able to find the heart beat after a few minutes with the doppler. She held it on for a bit longer than the sono ladies did. I think because the last time I saw her I told her how much of a miracle I'm reminded I've been given every time we hear it. She encouraged us after discussing some of our insurance concerns and reminded us that if things get tough, to lift it up to God. He's not going to get me pregnant and then leave us high a dry. He always provides in incredible ways if we trust in Him.


goods from the doctor...formula, magazines, diaper samples etc...whoa!

We're so excited to see where this journey leads us and I continue to pray that I won't forget where we've been and how I've grown and learned through all of the ups and downs the past year. In fact, it was the last two of the six rounds of Clomid that I was on that I actually ovulated. What I thought to be a "crappy" drug that did nothing for me actually worked right when we were about to have to change our plan. I was finally "ok" with probably having to wait a little longer, even tho it's not what we wanted.


Thank you, Lord for this tiny miracle.

"For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted the desires of my heart." 1 Samuel 1:27

Round 4 update...

I've been meaning to get on here for a while and finally am sitting down to write.

Dr. W gave me another round of provera to start my last cycle. Day 3 was a sonogram day and she said  everything looked good (still poly cystic) and she could see that I do have some good follicles. side note: never thought I'd know so much about this complicated body of mine. It's a good learning experience.

We chatted a little bit about this last round, and she shared some stories to give me some hope and encouragement. Have I said how much I L.O.V.E. her?!  We decided that while starting this last round of Clomid, that I would come in on day 5 for a glucose test, that way if my levels are abnormal, she would give me Metformin to coincide with the Clomid.

August 11th I show up at 8:45 for my first blood test, drink that nasty "glucola" and went out to a lobby in the hospital and waited for two hours before getting my second blood test done. I had taken my lovely ereader and used the down time as a good excuse to make some progress in A Praying Life. It's an awesome book and I read little by little. I have found that I refer back to some chapters each time I pick it up to refresh my mind a little. Can I tell you how awesome our God is...It just so happened that I was starting a new chapter on cynicism and Hope, right when I felt all hope was lost. I'll just post an excerpt that I re-read probably about 5 times before moving on{for those that have the book it's page 70}:

But Jesus is all about hope. Watch what he says before he helps these people. Before he heals a blind man, he tells his disciples that "this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." (John 9:3). Before he raises the widow of Nain's son, he tells her "weep not" (Luke 7:13)...When Jairus told Jesus that his daughter is dead, Jesus says, "Do not fear; only believe"(Luke 13:12). In each of these accounts, Jesus brings hope before he heals. He is not a healing machine- he touches people's hearts, healing their souls before he heals their bodies.

It was a perfect chapter for me to read, sitting in a waiting room for 2 hours, when I had felt like all hope was lost. There is a bigger purpose in why we are going through infertility. He is healing my soul. My faith and hope are being restored so that our journey can bring him glory. While it's still not easy to face this monster, I am thankful that it has brought us to our knees, where our only hope is in Jesus!

In fact, I am still trying to remind myself of this daily. I've had a conversation with the hubs and a sweet friend that put my hope in check. This was the first month that I decided not to use the ovulation kit, because I felt like it told me I had an LH surge, only to be let down when bloodwork confirmed that I had not ovulated.  I was down last week and in bed one night, hubs and I were having a conversation and he told me he was surprised that I was not being as good about monitoring things  and "drill sergent" about certain days this month. I came right out and spoke my true feelings "I have lost all faith in this stupid medication," were the exact words that came out of my mouth. He sweetly reminded me that our faith isn't placed on whether or not the meds worked. Our faith rests in the Lord, and THAT's what we are relying on. Ohhhh, how I needed him to say that. It brought tears to my eyes, BUT the next morning I was reminded in a texting convo with Mel that maybe I still had lost hope this round. I had told her about hubs and my conversation the night before and that I finally called the RE that morning, that my doctor was going to refer me to if this round was a no go. In my mind I was just getting info for future planning, but she was right. I wasn't placing all my hope and faith in the Lord and was getting ahead of myself.

I'm thankful for friends, family and a doctor that help remind me that this journey is not one that I can take control of myself. My faith and hope MUST be placed in Jesus.

So here we are, on cd 19. The past  three days I've had horrible pains over my right ovary. It was hurting so bad, I was naseated by the pain. I left work early mon and tuesday, but managed to make it 9 hours yesterday. Thankfully, I was able to work on pricing merchandise sitting down instead of up on my feet all day, which truly helped. I called the doctor on Tuesday and they told me to continue using a heating pad and taking some aleve around the clock and they would call me in the morning. Sure enough first thing Wednesday morning I talked to the nurse, still having sharp pains, and she told me they wanted to do another sono on Thrusday. So I have an appointment at 12:45 today, hopefully it will tell us what was causing the pain. My bosses told me to use a sick day today to rest and go to the dr. So thankful for compassionate and kind bosses/coworkers. I didn't want to take off, being that it's "female issues" and I feel like that is so cliche, but they do know my story and a little bit about what's going on, so they at least know I've got some issues and it's not just "my time of the month."

Sorry for the long post, I'll update after the sono today. Thankful for the lessons we are learning along the way!



The Final Round

I promise I won't turn this blog into only my infertility struggles. It's just a big part of our lives right now, so it's heavy on my heart and mind.

We've had a little change in our plans the past few days. I got my bloodwork results back on Monday and it revealed that once again, I did not ovulate. And can I tell you again how incredibly lucky I am to have the doctor I do?!  She has personally called me 3 times to talk about what our next move should be, not her nurse. Her! I know she has a busy schedule, but it's so nice to feel like she cares about our situation.

So hearing those words "You did not ovulate again" were words I was certain I wouldn't hear this go-round. I felt certain I had ovulate last month. So our choices were that we could try one last round of clomid and up the dose again and that would exhaust my max with the meds or she could just refer me to a reproductive endocrinologist to start  more intense treatment like injections, etc.

We decided we would exhaust the Clomid treatments, even though I'm pretty sure we will get the same result as the past 3, but at least we know we tried the all least invasive treatments that we could AND it will give us some time to talk to the RE and figure out financially what we can do next. It's been a hard week. I was so hoping Clomid was all that we would need, but again, I know there's a perfect plan.

SO this month, I'm trying to keep all focus on Him and not so much on this crazy body of mine. It's hard, but I'm really trying. I will take provera and then go back to the doctor for a sonogram to make sure no new cysts have formed. I will then have bloodwork done one more time and if I don't ovulate, it's on to the next doctor.

That's where everything stands now...

"but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

Isaiah 40:31

starting round 3 of clomid...

I went back to my doctor on Friday to check and make sure everything was ok before she would give me round 3 of Clomid.

I have to say that this visit with Dr. W was probably THE best visit in my 14 years of going to her. Not because I was given good news. I wasn't. But because she related to me and cried with me and hugged me. She wasn't just surface and matter of fact. She showed empathy and compassion. We decided I would up my dosage because I would rather feel like crap with a better chance of stimulating ovulation rather than feel like crap and staying on the same dose that I ovulated on the first time, but not the second.

Dr. W told me she was just so sorry I was having to go through this and experience the pain of infertility. She cried with me because she had been through it herself. She didn't have to make herself vulnerable to me, but chose to so that I wouldn't feel alone in it. Even though it took her a period of 16 years to have all 3 of her kids, even miscarriages, she persevered and prayed and trusted in His timing.

The statement that stuck out most in my mind after visiting with her was when she said " I don't make babies, Clomid doesn't make babies, IVF doesn't make babies, you don't make babies. GOD makes babies." I of course knew that, but having a doctor that believes HE is in control and trusts in the same God I do makes me feel at peace knowing that I have the right doctor for me. I have known she is a believer for years, but our conversation helped me know that even though I drive 45 minutes to see her, it's worth it for the care I get.

She proceeded to tell me it's going to take a lot of faith and alot of prayers and that when the time comes for me to be a mommy, it will be PERFECT!  I like that!

She went through the why's of infertility plain sucking! Seeing all of your friends having babies when you so badly want that for yourself- you're happy for them, but it still hurts and that's ok to feel that way. The time and money spent researching and trying to figure out what to do and going through the treatments. The emotions/side effects the medication brings. She related to me and encouraged me and I appreciated it.

I'm so thankful for a doctor that loves the Lord and that wants what's best for me.

So I can stop the Clomid rounds at any time, take breaks if I need, or move onto more aggressive, expensive and invasive options if that's what we decide. She just wants to try the least invasive and cheapest routes first, which I appreciate. She wants me to have 6 rounds of ovulatory months on Clomid. So far I have 1 successful ovulatory round and I am taking round 3 of the meds now.

So we will take it a month at a time! We are going to try our best to make this a great month and not get discouraged and enjoy our time together before we have kids. I know it's precious time!! We will continue to pray that we will follow His will and want His perfect plan to be our desire. Whether its natural, aided by meds and doctors, or through adoption, we want to follow where we feeling led.

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart"

Psalm 37:4

If I made a t-shirt {Sorry if it's TMI}

If you don't want to see the word that means it's a woman's time of the month, you can quit reading!


I was talking to my mom and I told her I should make a t-shirt like this...

 

(I paid all this money and all I got was a lousy period)

 Yep, that's how I feel!

Hey, I thought it was funny!

A little light hearted humor for my fellow fertility challenged friends. You have to find ways to laugh to ease the pain a little.

Just breathe...

The past couple of weeks have been probably some of the hardest I've faced during our bout of infertility so far. To the point where when talking to my boss, I lost it and she told me to take the rest of the day off. SO thankful for understanding and compassionate employers!
It started with another blood test to pull my progesterone to see if I ovulated after my second round of clomid {the same dosage as the first time}.

I got a call from my doctor with the results on a Wednesday morning.
      1. I never get called in the morning. It always seems to be right when they are closing, I miss the call and then have to wait all night and call back the next morning.
      2. This round of clomid made me LOCO ! coming off of it I thought I was losing my mind. Really, felt like I was outside my body watching myself, jittery, extremely anxious for no reason and super emotional. More so than I normally am.

The nurse said that this round I didn't ovulate. Same dosage as last time, ovulated then but not this time. Which means that after another expensive office visit to check and make sure no new cysts have formed, she will up my dosage. THAT'S what I am most upset about. Not the fact that I didn't get preggo this round, although it would have been nice, but the fact that I couldn't STAND how I felt on this low dose, and now I have to not only go thru it again, but it's probably going to be worse!

I just became this ball of emotion and it finally got to a point where I had to let it all out. It just so happened that I got the call right before I went to work. I walked into my store and lost it. On top of all this I decided to take the management position at our Dallas location, so I was sad about leaving the store I had literally been at since opening day. Lots going on.

this sweet friend came to visit me at work that morning and I lost it again! and again. and again, throughout the half day I was working.  Thanks M, for letting me vent!

So when I came home from work that afternoon, I let myself cry on my hubby's shoulder and laid down and took a 3 hour nap. Not kidding. 3 hours!

I know these probably won't be the hardest days I face. And maybe this incident made me realize it's not as simple as a pill sometimes. I just need to remember that it's ok for me to be upset and let it out. It's okay that I don't have it together all the time. It's okay if I need to just take a break from reality and take 3 hour naps. It's okay. Just breathe. Open up my heart, get on my knees, and cry out for help. One of my favorite songs during a dark time several years back was "Bring the Rain" by MercyMe. I heard it for the first time in a long time on the way to church Sunday morning. I love it.

Bring The Rain

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

 " I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

trying not to complain and a good book

I'm really trying not to complain, especially when so many affected by the tornadoes don't have hot water, but I'm just really praying that our hot water heater hasn't gone out. I woke up this am to a freezing cold shower. I had the knob turned all the way to the hottest setting and nothing!


Our house was built 5 years ago. Is it normal these days to have to replace all the "big" appliances this early?! We aren't very handy people, so if anyone has a suggestion on how we can check to see if it's working without us calling a repair person, please let me know!!!


Also, I go back to the doctor on Friday. I took an ovulation kit this past month(actually 2 weeks worth) and it showed that I had an LH surge. But weeks came and went and lots of tests were BFN's so I called the dr and had my progesterone pulled again. Results are in that I'm back to not ovulating (wasn't on clomid last month) so she's going to check me out and hopefully prescribe me another round of clomid.


Husband thinks it's way unnecessary that she has to see me before prescribing when I was only on it one time. Oh well, here's hoping that it's not wasted $$!


I just started another round of provera. It feels like I'm back in march. One step forward, 2 steps back I guess.

     ------------------------------------

I started reading the book A Praying Life last week. I could have kicked myself after Melodie told me it was a free download on amazon and I forgot to download it. I checked back just a few days later when she mentioned the book and it wasn't free anymore. BUT I downloaded it and am so glad I did! It's an awesome book so far and it reminds us to be childlike in prayer, spilling what ever is on our hearts to Christ

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

Paul Miller reminds us to "not be embarrassed by how needy your heart is and how much it needs to cry out for grace. Just start praying!"


At this stage in my life I feel very needy and that's ok. I'm learning to prayerfully rely on Jesus in a new way.


I pray short little prayers, longer ones, but when something comes to my mind or is one my heart or even if I've just talked to someone, I  pray about it. I find my self just praying more. He writes that praying allows our lives to feel more orderly and gives us a peace, even when things surrounding us are chaotic and crazy at times. It's teaching me to lean on Him, because I can't physically and emotionally handle things on my own. Even though we've been taught it year after year, I didn't fully comprehend how much I needed to rely and trust fully in His word until a situation out of "my" control came to be. And yes, we cling harder when life brings it's little trials, but I want to be a clinger all through life and not just when things become difficult. I want to trust and learn every day.

So on my down days, which I have a lot of, I'm spilling out my heart, making known just how I feel. Dirty. Messy. Overwhelmed.



I'm only on chapter 5, but I think this book will be one I read multiple times.


One of my favorite quotes from the book so far...

"Learning to pray doesn't offer us a less busy life; it offers us a less busy heart."

Thankful for this book this week... It's a dirty, messy, overwhelming week!

thank you and an update

Just wanted to say thank you ALL so much for your kind words of encouragement, support, comments, texts, emails, listening ears and most of all your prayers. I was extremely hesitant in pouring my heart out on here, but am so glad I did. Sharing such a private part of our lives and opening up has not only been therapeutic for me, it's allowed me to learn more about others and of course, my self.

My faith is what keeps me going. Coming up on Easter weekend I'm reminded that my Savior paid the ultimate price, sacrificing himself so that I would have hope. So that in the midst of dark days, I'm carried through them. Christ suffered for ME so that I could live!

My sweet friend Katy sent me a song a week or so ago and one of my favorite lines says "
What If the trails of this life are your mercies in disguise" {Laura story(blessings)}

I believe that. I believe there will be so many good things that will come out of all of this. The struggle of infertility has strengthend many of my relationships. With my husband. With family. With friends. And most of all, with Christ! I'm learning that I can't do this alone. Im learning the importance of community. I'm trying hard to not be so selfish and to focus on others. I'll be the first to admit that lately, I've been in a self-pitty rut. I've forgotten to hear what others around me are saying or are going through. I haven't liked that about me. I've forgotten to BE STILL.

What I'm enduring is nothing compared to the cross. And it's because of The Cross that I have HoPe!!



Romans 5:1-5
"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."

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As far as an unpdate...

I wasn't put back on clomid this month because I responded to the last dose. Well... I didn't ovulate on my own. Two steps forward, one step back. So I'm putting a call in to the doctor tomorrow to see if I go back on clomid or what the next steps will be.

Please continue to keep us in your prayers. It's something I struggle with on a daily basis.

Thank you again!

Struggle to fill the nest...

While the decision to share a personal aspect of our lives has gone back and forth, we've decided to touch the surface and share a little of our struggle in being "fertility-challenged" as Kristine Waits calls it in her book {which I highly recommend reading if you or someone you know is struggling with Infertility.} I've been encouraged and appreciative reading other blogs who have braved the world of blogging with their stories and hope that maybe someone will be encouraged or learn something from our journey. At the least, to let other women/couples know that they aren't alone and can in some way relate to our story. But the biggest reason I'm sharing our story is to ask for prayers.

So bear with me, these are just my thoughts and feelings. My heart is on my sleeve here and I'm just letting my feelings be known. 


While we trust and know that things happen in the Lord's timing, it's been an emotional roller coaster of a ride the past 6ish months.  Things were way off in my system and after blood tests and sonograms I was diagnosed with PCOS. Fortunately for me, only 1 ovary has really been affected. The other is in pretty good condition. PCOS is where follicles form but do not mature, covering the ovaries in a "ring of pearls" affecting the function of the ovaries. In my case, anovulation-where I do not ovulate.


I did have an HSG done, where dye was injected into my tubes and everything looked normal there. I successfully completed my first round of clomid as far as ovulation goes. I had my progesterone drawn and it showed 12.1 which indicates ovulation. Since I ovulated on the first dose, I am not taking it anymore. Now we pray and wait.
Hubs has been amazing and has gone to every doctor appointment with me, so that he is informed about where we stand/whats going on in this crazy body of mine. And while this has drawn us closer as a couple and strengthened our faith, we've shared a lot of sad days, discouraging days and I've shed a lot of tears. LOTS.  While I'm incredibly happy and overjoyed as friends have babies and witness the blessing of a little one, my heart aches and I can't help but think that it might not happen in ways we always thought. Yes, we will be parents one day! I know we will blessed with children to love, it just might take a while and so far, the journey hasn't been an easy one.  

I feel like in a way my body has failed me. Women are created for bearing children, Why can't I? 


Our insurance covers ZERO of anything involved in fertility treatments. In fact, that's one of our constant prayers and biggest struggles. That financially He would provide and He has. While it's still hard to pay out the large sums we have already paid, Hubs was hired by his agency for several acting/photo shoots the past few months, more than normal! HUGE blessing!


We are also blessed with incredible family and friends that have encouraged and prayed for us as we journey down this unknown path. I've been fortunate enough to have a couple of people that have walked this same path to give me encouragement and advice, one being my sweet mom. Without them, I'd be a mess.

SO now, sweet blogger friends, if you would just keep us in your prayers. Pray that our hearts would be after His. For comfort during the difficult days. That we would trust fully in Christ. For my emotions --seriously, I get a little irritated driving down the highway and literally 4 billboards by Texas Health Resources have a pregnant couple with some silly saying like "just breathe, TRH has your back" something like that. Every time I pass them I secretly wish lightning would strike them to the ground. I mean, don't they know I drive those roads and would rather not be reminded of something I wa?!---see what I mean?!


My dear friend Melodie shared this verse with me. I cling to it. I believe it.

But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, be patient! For it will surely take place. It will not be late by a single day. ~Habakkuk 2:3

I also think of the Shane and Shane song, based on 2 Corinthians 12:9.

Your grace is sufficient for me

Your strength is made perfect

When I am weak

And all that I cling to

I lay at Your feet

Your grace is sufficient for me