My Funk and my honest thoughts on how I've been feeling lately

I've been in a bit of a funk lately. Not because life is that way, but because I've been throwing a pity party for 1. Everyone is thrown something in life. My "something" just so happens to affect me daily. I struggle with my body. Not my weight or image, though I do need to get my booty into better shape, but with how it works. Particularly the lovely woman parts. I've mentioned our struggle with infertility in several posts, endometriosis and PCOS too. It's been a battle that started 15 years ago but was really only addressed and treated  surgically in 2008 followed by monthly injections, when my symptoms were the worst yet. I've been on the pill out of necessity, not choice, since high school. When we started trying to start our family it was liberating not to have to take that annoying little pill everyday. Until I realized my body needed it to be "normal". Then came the hormone drugs and monthly blood tests, a process that nearly did me in emotionally and physically. We were finally blessed with the most beautiful boy !! Of course, my stupid body didn't want to give me a break and we had a pretty traumatic "birth day". Something that still hits a sensitive spot to this day. Yes, we have a baby and yes, he was healthy and truly that is what matters, but I'm just being real with how I've been feeling lately. 

I can truly say that the 10 months I nursed C {minus the 2-4 weeks recovery and dealing with the baby blues and some times were I wasn't producing quite as much as he needed} were the most alive, refreshing, normal days I've felt in my own skin in probably years. 

I felt more rested, even with middle of the night feelings. Now I'm in a constant state of tired these past few months, my emotions and hormones seem {in my head} unbalanced and I feel like I'm back to how my body used to be pre-pregnancy and I hate it. Truly. I hate that the moment I had C I had to jump back on the pill. And that I switched to a typical BC pill after nursing, and it still can't get my female act together. In a way I feel like the old "lauren" is back and I do worry that when the time comes to start trying for number 2, history will repeat itself. I mentioned to the hubs and to my mom that I feel like "it's" growing back. I can just tell my body is off again and I have a feeling the big E is creeping it's way back into my life.  Yes, we will cross that bridge when the time comes and I'm truly enjoying this stage in our lives with a fun, full of life toddler. I just wish that I felt physically and emotionally like how I did for those short 10 months. I told the hubs just yesterday that I wanted a internal makeover. Not a boob job or a nose job. I just want new "working" parts. Seriously, someone should open a practice specializing in that! I know quite a few girls that might join me in line!

So this is my something. It may not seem like a big deal to a lot of people. But it's a cruddy card I've been dealt and I'm in constant conversation with God on it. It's a tool He's using to strengthen my faith and at the same time, an easy target for satan to try and destroy my spirit. It's easy for me to fall into this pity party for 1, but after a day or so I'm picked back up. I try to use this card  in my daily life to bring Him glory, show empathy, to be more compassionate towards others and even use it to help me be the best mother I can be. 

While I try to not get down or frustrated with this "me", I'm human and the bad days happen. It's happened more than I'd like to admit the last couple months, but I pray I continue to grow and learn from it. I also pray that I would feel normal again one day. I hope that day comes and stays, but if not, I will do my best to deal with it. 

I'm thankful for a husband, family and friends that support and encourage me on my good days and on the not so great ones. 

EndoKNOW

March is Endometriosis Awareness month.

I was diagnosed with endometriosis in September of 2008. After years of pain and problems with my cycles, my doctor {who is incredible and if you are looking for a OB/GYN in Dallas, email me and I will gladly give you her name and number} thought I showed the classic symptoms of endometriosis. The only way to be diagnosed is to have a laparscopic procedure done and once in, if there is evidence of endometriosis, scrape off the developed polyps. My case was severe. Not all are.

I wanted to share a little of my story as a way to inform others and raise awareness of this disease that affects nearly 1 in 10 women.

**I won't get too detailed, but do want to be honest about the signs and symptoms. So, if you don't want to read about certain things pertaining to the female reproductive system, it's your cue to leave!**



Endometriosis is where similar tissue found in the uterus grows on the outside of the uterus, ovaries and could attach to other organs, depending on the severity.

Symptoms associated with Endo are often  heavy, painful cycles, pelvic pain, pain during ovulation, pain during intercourse, fatigue and infertility.  There were times I had to stay home from school/work because the pain was so bad, the only comfortable position was either in the fetal position or on my side, curled up. Sometimes I was not able to stand up straight and nauseated. 

Endo is known to run in families, so if a female family member {my mom had it} has been diagnosed, your chances are much higher  of having it yourself than if it didn't run in your family. 

There is no known cure, but surgeries and medication can control your symptoms. Most of the time birth control pills are prescribed.  After my laparscopy, due to the severity of my case, I was given 6 months Lupron injection therapy.

To be honest, I was very skeptical about the injections. I was scared of the side effects, but was reassured by my doctor that it's what I needed and after talking to my mom and husband, decided that would be my best course of action.

What are the side effects I was scared about??

 fatigue, weight gain, hot flashes, crazy emotions and all those wonderful things associated with menopause. Yup, you read right. Menopause. That word in itself scared me, but Lupron isn't putting you through menopause, it's causing your system to experience similar side effects to those of a menopausal woman. {Mind you it is temporary} See, estrogen causes the endometriosis to grow, so the Lupron suppresses the production of estrogen.

What were the side effects I actually experienced??

I did have hot flashes- weird, but not the worst thing the world. Well maybe for the moment! But they don't last that long.

I did gain a little weight- I put on about 7lbs during that 6 months. For me, that was the worst, but I was able to lose it and fairly quickly! And partly I'm to blame. I wasn't as dedicated to the gym during those 6 months as I used to be, prior to the injections which leads me to the next and second worst side effect.

Lack of energy- I was tired ALL.OF.THE.TIME! But only for 6 months.

The BEST side effect: No cycle for 6 months!!

So with that said, the side effects were temporary and small in comparison to my symptoms before I had the surgery and injections. It was worth it in the long run and looking back, I'm glad I listened to my doctor! It wasn't that bad!

Here are some helpful links that talk about endometriosis and treatments:

http://www.endofacts.com/

http://www.endometriosis.org/

If you have been diagnosed, please know that you aren't alone. It's not something many people talk about or that is widely known about. I encourage you to ask your doctor questions. If you know someone who has had it, feel free to ask them questions. They will galdly share their story and answer any questions you might have. I had my mom and a couple of other friends that I was able to talk to about their experiences.

If you don't know anyone who has had it or have any questions for me, you can email me at

 neavesnest{at}gmail{dot}com. I will be glad to talk to you more in depth about it.

I want to encourage you to share your story. If you want to post a link to your story in a comment, I will link it here for others to see.

we have a plan..

Well, somewhat. I know that our plans are what we ideally would like to happen, but the Lord's plans are far greater and could possibly be very different from our own. So here is a run down of how we will be going along with the next year and a half of our lives...

I went to my follow up appointment for my lupron injections and to figure out the next step for me. She said everything looked great and she is extremely pleased with how my body reacted to the Lupron. I told her "our" plans of at least waiting until the beginning of next year before we would start trying for children. We aren't quite ready yet but also know that the longer we wait, the likely hood of the endo starting to grow back rises.

She told me about a study that her practice is participating in,which happens to be a new birth control patch. When the first patch came out, I asked her if I could try it out and she quickly told me she wasn't happy with it and that I should just stay with what I'm on. This new patch is on the 3rd phase (the final phase before it's out on the market) and she has been pleased with it so far and has the same side effects as the pill. It's a low dose patch that I will change every week for 3 weeks, then off one.

I have decided to participate and have committed to 13 cycles of this patch. I go in July 13 to sign my forms, have my exams and get my journal and meds. From there, every 2 or 3 months I will check in with the nurses and keep a journal. Best part, ALL of my doctor's visits/exams are free during this time, free BC for the year, and I get paid $300 to participate. We {Hubs and I}decided that this would be a great idea for me and would save us money and make a little extra too. With that said, we likely won't start trying for kids until next fall if that's what we feel is best for us at the time.

Also, my Doc **said that if I knew of anyone in the area that wasn't planning on getting pregnant withing the next year, having a hard time financially or doesn't have insurance, to tell them about this study. You don't have to be a patient to participate and she would be happy to talk to anyone about it. They are only allowed to enroll 2 people a week and the only reason I am waiting until July to start, is because I have to allow my body to recover from the Lupron in my system. Please feel free to email me at lauren.nvs@gmail.com and I will email you back with the phone number of the doctor's office if you are interested.

**I absolutely LOVE my doctor and trust her in every way. She's helped me thru a lot and highly recommend her to anyone, even if you're not wanting to do the study and just need a different doctor!

beautiful...

Today is a beautiful day! For many reasons, really!


Today, I had my last Lupron injection!! YAY! Now we just need to figure out what direction to go from here. For those who don't know, I have been diagnosed with Endometriosis and had surgery last September. After my surgery, the doc thought it was best for me to have this series of 6 monthly injections to put my "female system" on hold (basically thru menopause) since we weren't ready to try to get pregnant. I go back next month for a follow-up and tell my doc if we are ready to start trying or not. As of now, we aren't. This means more hormones/birth control again until we decide we are ready.

Another reason I love today, besides the beautiful weather... I had a coupon from Old Navy for 50% off one item (i printed off two and went in twice). I got one pair of green bermudas for $10 and a cute pair of flats for $7.50. YAY!!

I also decided it was time to get a plant for our back porch. I bought I baby jalapeno plant, soil and a pretty pot (on sale from $35 to $15!!) from Home Depot. Hopefully we will grow some yummy jalapenos! I also bought a smaller pot that I plan on painting along with some begonia's to put in it!


Here are my lovely purchases!!

Stay tuned for a cute idea for easter place cards...

301...

My 300th post was for Matt's birthday! He should feel pretty special that I used such a significant post for his birthday.



We had a great time celebrating our birthday with family and friends and still will be celebrating this weekend with my mom's side and Hub's parents. We went to dad's for a cook out, Olive Garden and to the movie, campania's, cheddars and on the border with friends, massage and pedicure with mom and this weekend...off to dallas.



We also are excited about the series going on at church right now. It's called the Marriage Portrait and so far, it's awesome! I will update more on it after this Sunday's service.



I had my third Lupron injection yesterday...HALF WAY DONE!! It went well, not sure why I am feeling so exhausted for the past month or so, but the nurse didn't seem to be concerned. I still have hot flashes every once in a while, but I just step outside when I have them and after a minute I feel a lot better. I have also been extremely emotional lately. I cry at the littlest things. I think the exhaustion is worse than the emotions. I just wish I had more energy. I go back in three weeks to check up with my doc and make sure my body is handling the meds okay and then have another injection the following week.

Hope everyone has a great week!

1 down, 5 to go!

I had my first Lupron shot today! it wasn't painful at the time but as the morning went on, my rear/hip felt a little tingly and early afternoon I felt a little lightheaded and kind of winded. Probably just the initial reaction to a foreign substance being injected into my body. I don't know if that's normal, I didn't ask if there would be any reaction to the shot today. I am very sensitive when it comes to meds, so I'm sure it was just my body freaking out like normal. Tonight, after dinner I felt really sick to my stomach but I am just telling myself it was something I ate.

Overall, it was quick and I experienced less pain than I have in previous shots!

One down, five to go!

Off to bed, I'm really tired!

nervous...

I go in today for my first of 6 monthly Lupron shots. I'm a little nervous about it just because I don't know how my body will react. I am pretty sensitive when it comes to medications but I know I need this. The Lord doesn't give you anything you can't handle when you rely on Him!

Please pray that it goes well today. I'll keep you updated on my thoughts and feelings about it!

dr update

At the Doctor's office today, we decided to go thru with the shots. It's a six month treatment and it should help out my symptoms for several years. ( i originally thought it was a six month treatment that we would have to continue until we were ready for kids, so glad it's six months, period! I might need another dose in a few years but we will think about that when the time comes.) We decided it is the best option for us. I go in the week of the 17th for my first round. Now I'm just praying that my body takes it well and that the side effects aren't too bad.

We feel good. The decision is made!

what to do...

This past Thursday, I had my follow up appointment with my dr. In my head I kinda expected it to be all good news and telling me how great everything is now...wrong. I was actually blindsided and have had a hard time taking in everything that was discussed. She again told me that my surgeries went really well and that i look really good, but now we need to figure out what to do with me. I knew that I would again, someday (probably) have another surgery when we are ready to start trying for babies, but I didn't expect to have to make some difficult decisions right now. Basically, she said that my case of Endo was so severe for my age that we need to talk about future plans. She asked when we thought we would start trying, assuming God didn't have other plans for us, and I told her probably another 2 years. She suggested and said that the best option for me, if we were to wait that long, would be to take this once a month Lupron shot that would basically put my body thru menopause at 25. Her terms: turning my ovaries off. She said that she was able to take out all of the Endo she could see, but that I probably have quite a bit of microscopic endo that is in the process of growing. What causes endo to grow is estrogen, which is why they say the best way to prevent it from growing is to get pregnant. The shot would keep me from producing estrogen thus, the endo won't survive and continue to grow. She said if we aren't ready now, then we need to do what we can to preserve my female organs. Endo is becoming more and more a major cause of infertility. (one plus to having her as my dr is that she specializes in infertility and is rated one of Dallas' top doc's!) Not that you want to hear all of these details, but all of these things are what we are having to consider when weighing my options. It doesn't sound all that bad, but I'm terribly scared of what my body will go thru and how it would react. All of the side effects : hot flashes, bone loss, weight gain, mood swings/depression etc. and I'm also very frightened that my body might not allow itself to reverse the conditions when we choose to start trying. Another HUGE factor is cost. I am waiting to hear from the insurance company on if they would even pay for this shot. One shot costs $600-700. WHo has that kind of money to throw around?!? We don't. We both don't feel like now is a good time for kids when there is so much going on in our lives. I know there is never a good time, financially, to have a child but there are a lot of other factors besides money that we have to consider.

I was just extremely overwhelmed when I took all of this in and am on an emotional roller coaster that at times, causes me to burst into tears. I feel like I'm having to play god with my body. I know my doctor whats whats best for me and she is an incredible doctor. She even cries with me haha! This just wasn't a decision I was prepared to have to make. I'm just praying for a clear direction and peace about taking the shot or not. I know I need to give it all to Him, it's just so hard. One of our biggest dreams is to have a family and I need to have faith that the Lord will provide us with what we need. He has a specific plan for us, even if it's not what we want. He is teaching us what it means to have faith. To trust whole-heartedly.

Please pray for us as we make what ever decision we feel is necessary. There is so much going on in my heart, it's hard to see clear all the time. We really do appreciate all of your support!


Hubs has been so supportive and comforting during all of this. He even surprised me yesterday with a beautiful bouquet of flowers. He said he looked for the happiest bunch! They were bright and cheery and of course, made me cry!


I will keep you all updated on what we decide.

oh, blah!

I'm still in pain, on the couch. I'm finally starting to feel my incisions, which I could live with out feeling. The pain from the CO2 is still here and strong. There are certain times when I just want to cry because it hurts so bad, but can't because I can't get air into my lungs. It feels like what I imagine a small heart attack feeling like. That pain comes and goes and I would rather it be gone. Resa came by today and brought me a yummy green apple slush from sonic. Felt so nice on my throat, which is still sore from that tube being in there! yuck! Mom and Hubby are taking very good care of me!

Thank you to everyone who has been praying for me and has sent me such sweet, encouraging words! I really do appreciate it.

Of course my fam took a few pics from the hospital, luckily before the surgery, but here are a couple!

Nat got to see me before my surgery, my Dr and anesthesiologist were over 2 hours late from another procedure.
She brought me my favorite flowers! Love you Nat!
oh lovely, this is right before my Valium wore off.
ugh, sick. Can't imagine what I looked like post-surgery! ha!
Waiting in the waiting room, I was deep asleep. My anesthesiologist was grrrreat!

recovering...

I made it thru the surgery! They took me back at 9:30 and got me relaxed and prepped but my dr/anesthesiologist were late from another procedure so I didn't go back to the OR until 12:30. I was so blessed to be surrounded by my family and Natalie. She came up and was able to come back to my "holding cell" as she called it and surprised me with my favorite flowers and white chocolate pretzels!! Of course I wasn't able to eat them, but I will enjoy them later.

My surgery went well. She got ALL the endometriosis out and the other procedure was successful too. This was the first time that I came out of Anesthesia fine. I usually shake uncontrollably and am extremely cold and usually throw up. This time I just woke up in a ton of pain, they gave me a shot in my hip and lots and lots of pain meds. During the procedure, they filled up my abdomen with CO2 and got what they good out and now my body is trying to get rid/absorb it and it is extremely painful. In fact, I don't have any pain from the actual procedures (yet) but my chest and shoulders are killing me. It is a horrible pain that I can't describe. The gas is trying to escape my shoulders so the most comfortable position is laying down. Just wanted to update everyone and thank you all for your prayers and encouraging words. I'm off to take more pain meds and sleep!

Thanks again!

tomorrow...

As many of you know, I go in for my Endo surgery tomorrow at 10 am! I also wanted to update that I am having another surgical procedure done as well , and hopefully after tomorrow and a few hours in the OR, I will be fixed and hopefully done with all of these problems I have been having over the past couple of years. I know the endo could come back, most people end up having another scrape, but I am excited to finally feel like my body is functioning the way it's supposed to. Please pray for a smooth (2) operations and a speedy/ low pain recovery. I will update when I am feeling up to it again. Until then, you can reach hubs on his phone and my mom and dad too. I am so blessed to have so many people looking out and praying for me and thank the Lord for such an amazing support system. For those of you who do know my situations, you know how long I have been waiting to fix these problems and I do appreciate your constant prayers and your encouraging words over the past couple of years!



Love,



Lauren



Also, a big thank you to my wonderful Resa for the sweet "get well" basket she gave me! It was full of some of my favorite things. A cute pumpkin basket, magazine, the movie Baby Mama, Kettle corn, gummie bears, reese's peanut butter cups (the holiday kind where they come in shapes like pumpkins, they do taste better!) and these peanut butter candies that have been a fav of mine since I was little, and a yummy pumpkin spice candle! Thanks Resa, I love it! You are so sweet and I appreciate all that you do for me! I had a pic of the cute basket but I can't get it to transfer off my camera to my computer. I'll work on that while I'm resting over the next few days!

a little more personal...

I had my doctor's appointment today and many of you know that about a year ago my doc told me she was about 99% sure I had Endometriosis but it's not something that can be diagnosed until a laparoscopy procedure is done. We haven't had it done yet because I haven't had insurance until about a month ago. I went in today and have some other issues as well that can go along with Endo and my dr recommended I schedule my procedure soon. I'm not sure of the exact date yet, probably will find out in the next couple of days when I will go in.. I know a lot of people who have had this, Mom included, but am still nervous!

That's my little update. I'll update more when I know the date!